Words That Can't Be Told

We should be glad for our friends' success as their happiness are ours too. Yet sometimes, even when my mouth speaks good, my heart doesn't agree. Sometimes, jealousy and envious contaminate my thoughts. Sometimes, I can't understand their triumph as it seldom comes to me.

When my friends fail or in bad condition, I always try to be there for them. Sometimes, they only need someone to hear their word. I can do that. In some cases, they need some opinions and again I can provide that. If they need someone to bear their burdens with , I will not think twice to sacrifice my time and energy for them. However,  the story turn round when my friends meet their victories. In most cases, I will only sit down and smile. These happen with reasons surely.

Firstly, envious and jealousy. It is depressing to see people achieve something that I am dying for. A part of me questioning my capability. Questioning whether I can be more than them. And it is not a life I want but I just can't help it. Recently, some of my friends just receive their IELTs' results. Some of them score quite high and I can't help but to think whether I can score higher. I should admit that a part of me wants them to score lower. I know it sounds selfish and karma will hit me, but at least at my blog, I want to be honest with no lies and speak not good things but truth. Surely another part of my congratulates them sincerely. Yet I don't want to be naive that I am a man with no flaws. I don't want to pretend to be a good man, at least not here.

Secondly, confusion. Some people get really crazy when they succeed. The taste of victory must be very tempting and can increase adrenaline. It is really hard for me to relate to their happiness. I seldom win hence I hardly understand their feelings. Even if I win, there are rarely people congratulate to me and all I want if I win something is a lone moment for me to appreciate things. One of my friends won a competition and she was just so excited that she lost control of herself. She was just like laughing so hard and all I could do is smile to her. She told me how glad she was and I could only say "you deserve it". In short, I could only grin and give a short reply. I think that I can do more than that but I don't know how. Things like screaming together with her like what happens in the TV shows. I just feel not okay doing so. 

Lastly, unwanted. this feeling hits me most of the time. When certain person win something, he/she will be surrounded by lots of people. And it is not my thing to jostle with people. One of my friends won a debate competition and lots lots of people congratulated her. It was her day and people or even people she hadn't known well congratulate her. At that very moment, it crossed my mind that my words wouldn't mean a thing. This really persuaded me to not say anything. However because since I was small I have been always taught about manner and appreciating people or something like that hence I still did it but I made sure I did it quick and simple.

I am still trying to change myself to be a better. A person that can congratulate more sincere. A person that can feel the happiness of others. A person that can be proud of himself. I think I have already improved and writing about my weakness somehow makes me getting better.