Girlfriend (?) <<< (unrelated)

AGAIN, since I joined student council, I had a decrease communication with some of friends. Well, it was actually one of the reason I joined the student council at the first place. he-he. Ehm..and then the story continued with me came back to my normal life for a day! It was actually shocking after knowing one of my friend already had a date. ha ha ha..It was a little bit unpredictable, there weren't any signs at all..Probably there were, but I was not present at that time as I am quite a busy gentleman..huahuahua...

And the case wasn't just that. From my other foreveralone friend, I found out that actually many people already had a partner, but he didn't tell me who and I didn't want to know either as it would make me felt defeated :p. I also watched with my own eyes that one of my friend was going out with her partner (it could be Bf, brother, Friendzoned-person, etc XD ). It made me thought about people who would and could continuously change without waiting a second for me.

Those all things make me think why I can't? And the first thing come out of my mind are I am not handsome, I am a busy gentleman(:p), and I am afraid to be disappointed again. But then, after I read Ajahn Brahm's book, my view suddenly change. The problems are in me myself. No it is not about I am not handsome which later on I think the opposite(hehe). It is more about the fear of disappointing. To make it clear, I am not that afraid of being disappointed, but tremendous afraid of disappointing.

I think I am a idealist, a person who will follow all rules that he makes and will blame himself for the mistakes. CMIIW. And I make a lot of ideas or rules of relationship like control my eyes to see other girls. hahahaa.. I don't really know how my mind can create rules like that. Probably it is the result of movies I watch, the books that I read and the environment. I just feel like I will feel bad if I have a Gf and still interested  in other girls. And it's not my way to find reasons to justify a wrong action.

The main problem is my past has proven that I still cannot be faithful. Yes, I haven't had a Gf yet but simply says, I have ever like more than one person at once ( not that serious but I cannot describe simpler than that hehe). Probably I have changed now, but the funny thing is I cannot forgive myself. Huahuaha..I feel like I don't deserve a Gf. And that statement have planted in my mind unconsciously. I think I need to forgive myself first. Not to have a Gf but more likely to make a good relation with myself (seems weird huh?). hahaha.

What I am trying to say is just the same as what Ajahn Brahm want to say. How many times we ourselves hinder our own progress? Saying "I can't do it", "I don't deserve to be number one", "I just cannot be better than him" and so on. We are actually hurt ourselves. And not being arrogant, I myself actually still do that stupid things, blaming myself. hahaha..But I want to try to change. Hard? It takes time. Successful? No guarantee. But it is still worth trying.

Since I know my whole paragraphs seem so unconnected I still hope you can enjoy it..huahuahua